I always want to be just so.

I walked home into the night
After sweating around a group of women
Hit up against the wall some hard realizations
I made myself dinner
Made my sleepy time tea
(This has become my new routine.)

I walked down the streets
Of my new neighborhood
And I had to admit to myself
That I haven't truly had time to settle into anything
My life has drastically changed more than a number of times
With where I live
Who I love
What I do
Who my friends are
And so on.

I have to be more gentle with myself
More understanding
And remember that the invisible audience in my mind
Does not control me
I control them.

I probably need to have some carefree fun
Sometime soon
To forget myself for a moment.

I think I thought
That I'd have so much figured out by this time
And a part of me will start to plot
How to go, what to do
And then I'll think
But how will I ever be happy
If I can't stay put in one place for a moment.

And I will expel so much time
So much energy
Wishing and expecting for more
Feeling ignored or completely misunderstood
Like the things I do don't matter as much
Because they are so self actualized.

But who ******* cares
I'll think
As I throw away the trash
And try to make the lid stay closed
I need to truly practice
Just not giving so much of a ******* ****.