i wish i could balance the serotonin in my brain
i wish i could fix the receptors the cells the nerve endings
that have all been ****** up
since the day i was born
i wish i could study my own brain in an attempt
to understand myself better
all my thoughts are compulsive, inevitable
it’s been one day without my lexapro
who knew 10mg of an antidepressant could really make a difference
i felt lively, happy, free in the early morning
i laughed and giggled at every little thing
my thoughts jumbled and a little delirious
but my skin tingled with joy
and for absolutely no reason
i knew the joy would subside
i could feel the rush of happiness and recognize it was only temporary
everything that comes up must come down
and it did
as soon as i closed my eyes softly to sleep
a light turned off
my happy deliriousness descended into depression
i lay in bed for a couple hours
staring into nothing
thinking about nothing
and the quiet depression descended into graphic imagery of my own death
my daydreams in the dark became full of loaded guns, ropes hanging from trees
my own mind betraying me
telling me i was not loved, i should not exist
and then i sat up
and began to write this
anything to stop thinking about a gun to my head