I wake up every morning and look in the mirror
you are beautiful
I say
you deserve to live
I thought repeating these words would make them mean something to me
I was told saying those things would make me better
as if those words would unleash a will to live back in my body
will make my soul less likely to wish for its own destruction
but its not working very well

I pray before I eat every meal
thank you God
I say
Forgive me Father
I thought asking Him for these things would change the thoughts in my head
I was told it would make me want to live again
as if those words would breathe happiness into my life
and would make the wrongs I've done right
but its not working so well

I started making myself eat meals
Wake up
I say
It's time to eat breakfast
I thought making myself eat would show me it's okay
I was told all i had to do was eat and the problem would go away
as if eating more would make me want to be beautiful less
as if the more meals I had the more I would want to wiegh
but it's not working so well

Every time I look in the mirror I see a disgrace
I see the pain in my face
I wish for my own destruction
and I search for lost strength
for a reason to have tears
or a reason to have joy
but I haven't found one yet

Every time I pray all I feel is conviction
it doesn't seem like anyone listens
It makes me feel worthless
and guilty for not understanding it
not understanding why I should be grateful
I keep looking for a reason to keep doing it
but i haven't found one yet

Every time I eat all I feel is disgusting
I can feel the weight gained
and I can see the fat on me
it makes me hate myself more
for not being beautiful
and I'm searching for a reason why eating is better
but I havent found one yet

so
I stopped