today i listen to "Switzerland" by daughter. the soothing hums of her voice melt my soul. i'm dreaming of sitting on a yellow porch wrapped around the home i want to own. i sip green tea as a fall in love with you. today i learn to not let hands hold hands but to let hands hold hearts. to let fingers intertwine with feelings. today i learn to kiss birthmarks goodmorning. and to kiss bruises goodnight. today i let you put me in the bathtub let the warm water make waves that crash on my skin. let you lather me in big blue bubbles of hope. today i pray the hope bubbles never pop. not because i want them to pop tomorrow but because you told me to live in the present not the future. i hope to buy you a present in the future. today i eat fruit loops because your tastebuds love sugar. and i hope the next time we kiss i'll taste like the sweetest sugar you know. today i throw aveda smoothing infusion in my damp hair and scrunch it around until i've crinkled every crisp perfectly. today i brush my teeth with crest whitening toothpaste. let the bristles capture every leftover crumb of those crispy colorful circles. today i slip on my denim black skirt with rips and pull the black abbey road tank top over my head and tie the once white laces on my black high top vans.  i brush a light gold eyeshadow over my fatigued carmel eyelids and swipe mascara on each of my lashes, i put my cartilage piercing in, then my two ear piercings and i hook my black hoop into my nose. today i don't dress for you. today i dress for me because i'm starting to want to maybe try loving myself again. i have so much love bundled in big brown blankets ready to be pulled off. i've given all of my love to you because i stopped loving myself. but today you made me want to try wanting to love myself again. today i feel more like a person than a speckle of dust. today i don't see myself as leftovers in the fridge. today i see myself as a fresh cooked meal i want to eat. today i walk out of the front door. hair half up half down, back straight, teeth shining, eyes glowing, tears streaming down my face because it's pretty freaking crazy when you want to live again. today i am not a ray of sun. today i am the sun and i hope to brighten my heart with a dose of pure vitamin D. today i wear a colorful crystal crown because victoria always told me she didn't care who i was but i was a *******  queen. today i place a vase on my kitchen table filled with sunflowers and daisies because roses are overrated. today i gather up all of the scraps of rage and sadness and build myself a castle of poetry. today i listen to "Switzerland" by daughter. the soothing hums of her voice melt my soul. im sitting on the yellow porch wrapped around the home i own. i sip green tea as i fall in love with you all over again.