I remember opening the little white box
Its sits lightly among the rest
We sat on your couch
I imagine you with your wine
Your non dairy icecream
And not with distaste any longer
But little flickers of sadness
At how comfortable
We were
We were becoming
And how it all had to go.

You gave me my Christmas presents
Though you hate Christmas
I got you into the spirit
I wonder if you will hang your wreath
I was so glad
I felt so relieved
To have someone to share it all with
Among our hard work
My never knowing
And needing to discuss
I slept in your bed as often as I could
Because I so badly needed to feel
That this was it.

I wore the bracelet again recently
And I remember just how it all felt
When we were near our end
And how everyone was rooting for us
So vehemently
To work it out, to make it work
This was it right?
This was supposed to be it right?

Sometimes I will look at my reflection
In my bathroom mirror
And I'll remember how I looked
In your pants
Your sweatshirt
I would wash my face
And breathe in deep
Like ah yes
This part of my life is figured out.

I think I wanted to believe
That this was all leading to somewhere
And maybe it was
But I never moved in
And my hopes for the future I had built in my head
Clucking and cooing with your bird
"Now we really have to get married"
I looked past so much
I looked past and through so much
And loved you despite all your flaws.

I was young
Younger than I feel I am now
In my black bathingsuit
As you took photos of me
While on a conference call
We would order one of everything at the restaurant
I felt so spoiled
So lucky
And really kind of bored.

I needed a lot from you
From myself
From the world
That you could never give me
And today
Tonight
I have found myself encountering
A silent disbelief
That it didn't work out.

I just still can't believe
It didn't work out.

And perhaps that was me
That was I
Wanting to sell myself so hard on it all
And when the sun goes down
The moments of little contentment that we shared
They appear from underneath my bed again
So I gave the aloneness
The solitude
The failure of what I hoped we would be.