Please know if you have been in my life this is for you

This is for my mom who was always judgmental
Who was unsympathetic
Who on multiple occasions threatened my life if I cut myself
Because that totally made sense

This is for my father
For moving in and out of my life
More often than my taste in music changes
Who always says he wants to start fresh
Unaware you cannot erase the past
Or fill in the blank places in my memory when you weren't there

This is for cancer
For stealing my first best friend at seven
And everyone around me expecting me to know how to handle it

This is for my first love
Who came into my life at a mere eleven
You too moved in and out of my life
You have broken  me infinite times
You have made me feel unloved and alone
Even when you were suppose to at least be a friend
You can't seem to understand that you
Are my first love and as such I will never stop loving you
You have used me before and even that couldn't sever it
I wonder when you proposed at fifteen if you loved me
I mean it's clear who loved who most in the end isn't it

This is for the man who sodomized me at thirteen
You were probably in your 30's
Didn't speak much English
But you knew I was young
Did you know my mother called me a ***** after?

This is for the man who stole my virginity at fourteen
Who was at least ten years older than me
You kissed me one day
Invited me in the next
Promised you wouldn't take off your shorts if I didn't take off mine
And instead took off both of ours

This is for the elementary teacher who saw him kissing me
And instead of stopping it closed her window

This is for my depression and anxiety
That started at twelve and still hasn't ended at twenty
The cuts never scarred me and that always upset me

This is for the two boys who used my depression as a gateway
To use my body
Who ****** me at fourteen
Who pressured me until I gave in
Who wouldn't leave my house until they finished

This is for me
For hating myself so much I'd let anyone use me back then

This is for my first high school boyfriend
Who forced his hand down my pants after I ended it
And who I had to crawl away from so he would stop

This is for my " best friend" and her boyfriend
Who at sixteen brought me to their place to study
And instead held me down together
So that he could **** me
And then pretend like nothing ever happened
It was not easy telling my first love about that
We were dating so he assumed I was confessing to cheating
Even when I clearly said it was **** to the couple
My love went out and got a ******* from a ******* as revenge
He didn't tell me for almost a year

This is for my first friend with benefits
Who called me "baby, sugarplum, princess"
Who ****** me once a week
Who texted me every moment of everyday
Who made me feel special and cared for
Who made me want him
But suddenly got a girlfriend
Not that it stopped him from sending me pictures
Or telling me how he wants to touch me

This is for any man who seemed interested
****** me or used me in another way
And then never spoke to me again

This is for the guy who desperately wanted to date me at nineteen
I can forgive you for the rancid way you smelled
And I can forgive the fact that you didn't close the door
Whenever you used the bathroom
Or that you made me smell like cigarettes
But I can't forgive the fact that you ignored me
When I said no and stop and cried as you ***** me
And I will never forget the aggressive growl you let out

This is for my second and last friend with benefits
You wouldn't kiss me or touch me
Just take from me
I was an object to you
You wanted to date me but I knew the type of man you were
Infamous for being a player
And just two months ago when you assaulted me
Moments before your new girlfriend showed up
You laughed at me and said you were just playing
But being held by my neck and grabbed at
While saying no and stop didn't feel like a joke to me
I wanted to tell her but someone said you broke up
And when I finally had the courage to say something
Everyone, including my best friend yelled at me

This is for the guy who was my best friend
Who had claimed to like me for nearly five years
And when I'm finally ready to give him a chance
He uses me and tells me he still has a girlfriend
After asking me out just the day before

This is for the loneliness that is setting in

This is for my best friend who yelled at me for waiting
Who complained to me last night about being sad
When she has everything I have ever wanted
She has the fiance, is pregnant, and has a career in a field she loves
But sometimes even the world isn't good enough

This is for all of my dreams
I was three when I started wanting to find love
I was ten when I started wanting motherhood
I was eleven when I wanted to work with animals
I was eighteen when I felt like I lost my soulmate
I was seventeen when the doctors said I might not be a mom
I was nineteen when anxiety and depression sent me running
From every classroom in tears and wanting to die.

This is for you so you know when I cry
It's because of all of this
It's because everyone I have ever counted on
Everyone who should of been there hasn't
It is because I have been broken more ways than I can count
And it is a miracle I am alive
Because for years I swore to end it all at eighteen
Here I am an unhappy twenty though
Still waiting for it to "get better".