It's difficult to sleep when I have the same nightmare everynight.
It's difficult to be awake when that nightmare is my reality.

Everynight I remember my past. Everytime I was beaten and left in the corner to pick myself up. Everytime I was hurting and I had to brush my self off. I was defensless. Every time I was touched by the man that were supposed to be role models.

My heart aches knowing that I was always alone. When I watched my parents argue, or my brother beaten. My mother beaten. I was cornered and crying. And I was left to clean the blood, to call the cops. No one asked me if I was okay. No one offered a hug.

I still remember that stuff. I still remember being tackled and hit. With blood running down my face. I didn't feel the pain of the punch. My heat was crying to much. I trusted them. I depended on them. I still do. They wernt there when my brother was ripped out of my life. All the nights that I've cried myself to sleep, are meaningless to them.

I reached out. I cried for help. But they were to sad to see my tears. Worked to much to see me bleed. I was alone. And I tried to help them. But I just got yelled at. Just got hurt. Kicked when I was down.

They said sorry. They would change. But I stopped trusting them. I stopped trusting people. Because what they di didn't know was I was beaten at school too. Tortured by my peers. The teachers didn't care. They said to **** it up. I had to anyway. When I tried to tell them about school they would say they were to busy. They were always busy. When they wernt they dumped me at my grandparents.

They were no better. They spat in my face and made sure I realized I'm worthless. They drilled it into my head.

Here I am 14. Straight A's, college courses and honor role every year, and I'm still not enough. I have pushed my self and I'm hurting. When I wake up screaming, I'm not heard. When I walk out crying, I'm not seen. They promised, and they lied. I'm still abandoned. I'm still alone.

I learned to stop leaving myself vulnerable. I listen to my music, alone, I'm the dark. Where no one could see me anyway. Where no one could hear me anyway. I tell myself that i dont need them. Now that something seems "wrong" with me they worry. I have two counsalers a therapist, and a phycoligist. But I don't need them. They can't fix my problems. What's the point.

I don't know how to be happy. I never had a reason to be. I try to pretend so people don't try to help. I let so many people try and they all have up on me. I don't want to be hurt again. I stopped sharing. I hold it in. I can say I'm okay with tears falling, and they would all believe it.