When does it get better
When will the tides change
I glance through old leaves
Booklets reminding me
Of when I whispered your name.

And now no longer
Its just me in my rose colored light
Amid new crowds
New friends
New food
But not really.

It is hard to sleep tonight
I think and read into most things
My paranoia always getting the best of me
I feel as though you fly high
With your likes
And the past tells me
I feel as if everything tells me
And its in those moments
Where the darkness within my soul takes over
And with fleeting hands I have to
Fight my way out.

I guess there isn't a ******* thing I can do
Except for push forward and through
In this ******* ******' difficult *** time
That no one can really fathom
I've never felt more alone.

In the mirror late in the night
I'd come home and disrobe
Glitter on my cheeks.

I thought I was going to keep getting better at this
But the desire for love and approval
It just grows like a bone
Enveloped in
A real lack
Of motion.

I look around me at this city
And I think
Two more years
So I'll let the little hard moments go
Where I worry and I fear
I read deeply into behavior
Or fight the feeling of solitude
Well its not even the aloneness I fear
I prefer my own thoughts and company
But it is the fear of not being valued
That keeps me up
Into these late hours
The city humming all 8 floors beneath me
And calling the past on the phone
When there is no need.

But who wouldn't
If they were me
I can't expect anyone to understand
And I thought to myself
So vehemently this weekend
So stop
So stop expecting and wanting
Searching, reaching, needing
And reassure
Be there
Give
To just you.

You don't have to share anything
Tell all your tales
You don't need to
Its all your own
So just find power in that.