I picked up a pen and paper.
In hope that I wouldn't be such a failure
At writing down exactly what I felt.
I watched the candle wax melt,
I stared at that flickering flame
Thinking about the person I became.  
I don't know who I am anymore.  
I'm not even sure if I remember who I was before.
Before all the pain...
Before all the tears and secrets these walls contain.
Before my thoughts took over my brain.  
Before all this became more than I could explain.
In time I've adopted a forced laugh;
A smile seen in a photograph
All over social media just to convince everyone
I'm out being " happy" and having fun.
Convince them enough so even I believe in that lie.  
Do you know what it's like to have a body that wants to live but a mind that wants to die?
To have a constant battle every morning to get out of bed,
Because you're so tired from being up all night listening to the chaos that exists only in your head?
Do you know what it's like to want to cry
But come to the point of being completely dry...
Cause you're all cried out?
To scream and shout
At the top of your lungs but no one can hear you?
To want to tell someone but no one will ever understand what you have been through?
I'm not sad anymore, I am numb.
This is what I have become.
And I knew this was somehow worse than what I used to feel.
How do you heal something that doesn't feel real?
Something that is no longer alive but simply exists.  
When the scars on your wrists
Become almost like lists
Of all the things your demon insists
That you are.
Not enough of something with every scar.
Not good enough, not smart enough, not worthy enough...
Sure as hell not that tough.  
When hydromorphone becomes the chaser to your whiskey,
I thought of this as my paper remained empty.
I wanted to write exactly how I felt and I couldn't have descibed it any better.