i am a bad artist my body is a vessel for emotion that nearly never gets opened and when it does, it's confetti blown from a sawed off shotgun but for now, the safety is on and little pieces of colored paper decorate my sleep in the form of nightmares putting my finger over that trigger feels a lot like losing control i am powerless fighting fire with gasoline in a house i live in, alone i am alone because the people who taught me how to love do not love me and that makes me lonely
did it ever occur to you that maybe i'm exactly where i wanted to be? years and years of self destruction in hopes that i'll eventually be sick enough to take the medicine sick enough to be bed ridden mother in the chair in the corner of the room, praying for me calling all the doctors, saying "she needs help" but i tell her im sick and she says "i need help" and i don't know how to get well with a hypochondriac
they told me to use sage cleanse my soul, my environment, my headspace and i agree with them because i don't know how to say that i'm already clean without having to explain that i've taken 2 baths today and yesterday
lately i just can't seem to find my faith i think it may have gotten lost somewhere between the hotel, three different therapists, and the letters i get in the mail from a team of people that want to know my truth my truth? well i apologize, your honor, as my truth is an ocean, a non-linear mass of blue, only 5-7 percent discovered
i guess what i'm trying to say is
i am afraid that when you ask me to take the safety off and pull the trigger i'll forget how to aim