I've realized that all I want in life is to be rescued.
No matter how happy I am now, all I think of is the "one day" where I'm saved.
I'm a wife, and a young mother.
I'm taller and more slender, more like my sister. My hair is perfectly curled, long, thick, dark, colorful. I wear a t shirt with some nondescript band logo and torn skinny jeans.
I come out from behind the kitchen counter with a beer.
My husband walks in the door, introducing me to whatever guest he's brought over.
I am strong and secure and I don't need anyone.
But it's not true.
I picture this Robyn often these days.
She's everything I wish I could be and nothing I can.
That Robyn is a woman. She doesn't need anyone.
I need so much.

I am overweight. I've gained 20 pounds in 6 months from my antidepressants. I need antidepressants to get out of bed.
My hair is thin and splitting. The color is fading and the spontaneous haircut I got makes me look like a child.
I'm wearing pajamas that don't fit me, I'm unshowered, sweaty, sore, and I can't make myself get off the couch. I ate far too much for dinner but I didn't even finish my plate. I'm alone.
The air darkens around me and I don't get up.
I need so much. I'm pathetic and desperate to be rescued. I hate needing. I beg myself to get up, to be strong, to not need anyone or anything, but I can't. I'm so sick of needing.
I can't post this, because I know my boyfriend will read it, and though I know he will respond with love and kindness and selflessness, I know there will be resentment. It may only be the beginning of a small seed - this again? really? can't she just get it together? - but it will grow.
If I just lay here, quietly. . . I can keep the seed from growing. I can stunt the growth, I can dry the soil, I can make him believe that I'm strong, that I don't need, that I'm capable. He will love me and admire me. I will be a strong woman who he will never leave.
Because he can't leave.
I need him.
I'm so ******* sick of needing.
I pray for rescue from my desire to be rescued.