i'm sorry but i really just need to write right now.
because writing is my home.
i NEED you,
i need you to UNDERSTAND
this drunk desperation that i get in
it's like the feeling i'd get when my dad
didn't understand my emotions because i'm not like him,
i'm adopted by birth,
or when my mom just put her hands up and walked away
and i just wanted to be heard, no mom,
not just NO, but WHY did you say no??

i'm far too intelligent, much too handsome
i held way too much promise to still be this low and turning 23 soon
i should be a famous musician by now, at least,
but alas, i may not actually have enough talent
but i shouldn't care, right? i should just care about having fun

this feeling is the same feeling that made me feel
it was worthwhile to throw rocks at a parked car
an expensive electric sign and a window
the same feeling that put me in jail for 5 months
only now, i've been in jail. i've suffered that.

it's the same feeling that wraps me up in the memory of my exes
i feel like i'm in a TOMB with their memories
already buried with the vapors of their love on my soft adolescent skin
already banging on the walls of my coffin
i do and don't want to accept i will never be that skinny teen you used to be obsessed with

now, no girl wants me, or i can't muster up the confidence
or the swagger is dead, and my remnants rattling along
oh, how i need you to understand...
i need you to know that i obsessively listen to
Sugar We're Going Down and have since 5th grade

that it is so STRANGE that i want another cigarette
and want no more cigarettes forever, both so desperately

i am desperate
i am so lost and so broke
broken down
and i just ******* hope
i hope that before my twenties end i can tour with a band
oh, that electric guitar seems ages away now
someone pull me from my drowning, but no
i see that to be a man is to pull myself from this

oh, my heart aches such a terrible swell.