im a drone fly dressed in yellow and black robes
a king snake, drained of poisonous nectar  
i am rotten fruit
bitter to the bite
you recoil at the taste of me
i am the ugly duckling in reverse
cracking out of my plain jane shell
only i never turn into something beautiful on the level where it counts  
i am forever out of place
with things that have a purpose
im an outsider posing as an insider
everyday of my life
constantly trying to convince myself i am a bad person so i can fit in enough to blend in with my surroundings
to not awake an arousing suspicion
that i am different from you
to lead you away from any slight possibility of you finding a weakness
i am an expert in my head, or at least that's what i tell myself  and here are some secrets to salivate on
you must believe your own lies
because then they are no longer lies
they are your truth
they are possibilities
and these possibilities grow at the tips of your fingertips
into a noose
tightly wrapped around your throat
you will learn to enjoy the suffocating feeling in time
you must suffer to feel success
please do not ask me why
because i will not have an answer for you
in time
you will learn why
i play pretend
this is why
i don't cry
so you can see. do you see?
me
all choked up inside
i will never hurt you
but i will always hurt myself.


despite
wanting to love you
but im too afraid to let you in
i have no ill intentions
but for me to say that out loud
holds a weight too immense for me
to say looking you in the eyes
and you don't believe me
because i stare at the sky and my lips tremble
because im trying to hold back the earthquakes behind them
but i cant hold it all in like i use too before i met you
and i just want to let it out and i just want to let you know
and i just want to tell you
that i love you when you need to hear it  
but we both speak more with silences then words
so im sitting in silence hoping you pick up on
how i
feel
about you
every single second of every single day
and it will never change
you will always be in the center of my brain
bouncing around in the brain of a musing insomniac


if only you knew
every late night nightmare
like you knew where to find every freckle.
i have sixteen you said.  
the half of it
if only you knew the reason why behind every time i was too afraid to cry or say the things that i should've said to make us work out in the end
im so sorry
that im so selfish
i didn't know
i'd meet a miracle in the middle of february
because if i did i would have spent every day preparing for a space in my heart with your name on it


but im going to try
im gonna get better for both of us

frankly it's gotten to the point where I don't even believe myself when I look in the mirror
gives you leeway into my heart
and i can not say i do not have ill intentions genuinely
instead I say it with a quivering lip that
you do not believe
becasuse it all adds up with you
but it adds up with me too
and when I feel small
I go back to my world of make belive
I absorb myself back into my apathetic shell
please demon of mine ralses eme