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May 2017
You know what I want to do right now? I want to cry and scream and do something, anything. Anything but think about the veins and blood beneath my skin, my heart pumping that oh so precious blood all over my body, the blood that's now filled with adrenaline at those thoughts. I'm sure the coffee on an empty stomach and the lack of sleep isn't helping. I'm shaking now. Is it from the coffee or the thoughts, from the want? My stomach has dropped now and I feel sick. Again, I don't know why it's doing that. I think it's from the thoughts, that thought of the bright red against the pale white. That's an image I can't get out of my head. My god, I don't know that to do. I could go hide away and cut in a spot no one will ever see. It doesn't have to be the wrist to make it bleed. Yet, I have to smile and pretend that I'm not shaking, that I'm not about to break down, that the tears are pricking at my eyes, that I can think of at least five objects I can use to hurt myself. I have to continue to fake it. I have to be okay. I have to be strong, even though I'm not strong at all. I still want to cut. That's going to be a thought in the back of my mind all day, even though I took my 'happy' pills, even though I'm faking that I'm okay. I'm not okay. I can admit that, only to myself. I can't admit that to the world. I will put on a smile. I will hide the shaking. I will hide the thoughts. I will hide the hurt. I will carry on. I will be okay.
listening to i choose you: sara bareilles
Written by
jenna elizabeth  26/F/dallas, oregon
(26/F/dallas, oregon)   
  652
   Ryan Holden
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