Pristine
the feeling of my feelings being clean
if you've never needed cleansing
never been truly *****
then you won't know what I mean
if you've never sniffed your rent money
to forget the failure you mirror has seen
then you don't know how mean
being a filthy version of yourself can seem
impossible to overcome
needing solutions to problems you see
tragedy your life has trouble hiding
the stealing of your ability
to live life comfortably
stolen by your shortcomings

I am *****
and scrubbing the ******* skin
scared the filth will sink in
trying to wash it off
and all to often
rubbing the dirtiness in

nothing is pretty when your life hurts
there's no new beginning
when you feel you’re at an end
and always asking the question
would it truly matter
if I end me

I often offend the healthy
with my rantings of the hell that's inside me
anxiety writhing in my mind
my mental health on a steady decline

I light fires in self destruction
hoping to burn it all down
and find the light hiding on the other side
true I mostly make mistakes when my hate’s feeding
but mistakes tend to teach
if you reach for their meaning

so be humble and don't judge me
you'd ******* crumble
carrying what I carry inside me
but I'm still standing
maybe teetering on the fence
in all my decisions of
needs I have versus my inhibitions
but it takes all my strength
just to get out of bed in the morning
and be me
needing to feel pristine