they say there's smog in L.A.
but have you taken a look in my brain?
that one day when you yanked me into that room,
knowing you, I was afraid to enter.
because Alex was in the next one over.
I was headed there to play music so we could drop a boulder on our emotions,
just for those ten minutes.
I was one year older,
but I went by you anyway.
he didn't say much
to me the rest of the day.
I said yes because the pressure on me was more than a TV-
crew stalking me and my heart.
my emotions were fleeting and then you started to proceed in asking.
I SAID YES because of the smog was bowing thicker and I almost suffocated under your gaze.
I wanted to make you happy,
BUT HAPPINESS IS NOT A STATUS THAT I CAN
-“check yes in this box”-
around my thoughts.
so believe me when I say, that day messed me up
but I was waiting for the day for you to
turn away to someone else.
I needed to be me for once…

and so I told you,
again and again.
and only to your surprising dismay you realized that
I MAY NOT BE WHAT MY SHELL APPEARS TO BE.
that the pain in your voice caused me hell- I haven't slept well.
but you make ME out to be another girl,
leaving for a guy.
NOT EVERYONE IS THAT WAY.
had the connection been real
had the affection and your lips on my neck felt real
and made me FEEL SOMETHING,
then maybe I'd have stayed.
but no, so I'm the one to blame,
and honey… love is a two way game, and in this one
the winning cards weren't shuffled for you.
you said you UNDERSTOOD me and the way we'd be.
pain, it's visible.
IF you care,
you didn't stop hurting me there.
I SAW YOUR HURT because I was feeling it too.
you didn't dare take a look at me though. at any of me.
ME.
MY SHELL MAY LOOK LIKE IT’S DOING WELL.
but most days it held a near death entity.

so I'm an ex now…
okay.
I still hurt, but there's nothing I can say to make you believe
my pain is also valid.

I guess I never mattered...