because carl doesn't understand what it's like to be scared of your own boyfriend
to gaze into his beautiful warm brown eyes and feel worried
carl doesn't know what it's like to not trust your friends
he doesn't know you hold your breath and close your eyes too tight
for sleep or for lovemaking
because you're always waiting for it to happen again
he doesn't know
you think about his hand on your breast and in your pussy every single time you fuck
even the kind of fuck that makes you moan loud and curl your toes
cause it's so good
carl doesn't know what it's like to not be safe in his own fucking body, to feel terrified in his skin
he doesn't know what it's like to not have a home
carl doesn't know how it feels to have your opinion ignored about the most essential component of your humanity
to feel dirty inside and out
because someone tore your autonomy from you
to feel like you're infected in the core of your being
carl doesn't know what it's like to be so out of it
you're confused what's happening, your head is spinning
when someone squeezes your right breast hard
and the someone is a person you love
someone you laughed with him too many times to count
he doesn't know you couldn't believe it because it was a dream dream dream
carl doesn't know that he would have continued if you hadn't pushed him off
that you had to push him off
carl doesn't know that so many
can overpower you
if they wanted
he doesn't know that your struggles are futile
that your screams are unheard
that you can be taken when you don't want to be
anytime really
because who is watching
not carl.