there was something that painted the image too well
the image of a gray damp basement
and you sitting on an old arm chair
as you let the smoke surround you
the smoke so many say will heal

so you let it all sink in
the smoke into your skin
you can feel your hands start to go numb
and you've heard this could bring panic
you've heard this too many times
it's almost as if it's one of the reasons you started
and one of the reasons you keep doing it
as if maybe the next time this happened
you could blame it on some substance
and convince yourself for 10-15 minutes
that you were really okay

it's all too easy to forget

to forget about the color of the clouds mixed with blue
to forget about how important fruit can taste
to forget the sound of your voice
the sound of any voice

you're blocking out the sound of the alarm clock
you're convincing the sun to let you be
you've convinced this of almost everyone
with the rise of blood pressure and a rising tone
there wasn't much convincing to do in the first place
with almost a snap of your fingers
and a slip of the wrist
they've all leave the room and ask,
"what's wrong with them?"

they don't know that they're just another reason
for black nights
or red mornings
with a haze
afternoons with too many cups of coffee
because again
you're trying to give yourself an excuse
anything else to blame for quivering hands
anything else
besides
a lack of attention
a lack of affection
taking yourself seriously
letting yourself
be taken seriously
to accept
the off putting sighs
and to try
to keep trying