I used to be toxic
I'd smoke a joint whenever someone offered
I'd run away at night
To a friend of a friend of a friend's house
I'd lose myself in alcohol
Forget where I was, who I was
I'd cut my arms
But that was too risky
I'd cut my thighs
Spell out loser
I'd skip class
Chat with friends that secretly didn't like me
I'd hear lies
About me
Rumors spread like wildfire
I'd lie
About anything and everything
I'd hate everyone because I thought everyone was against me
People would look down on me
People would look up to me
As an influence
An inspiration
I'd draw them into my darkest
My home
I was a smart kid but hated school
I wouldn't do my homework yet ace the tests
Teachers couldn't figure me out
I was quiet
But I wasn't blind
I thought dark thoughts
I liked climbing trees
Being way up high
Where I felt like me
That was where the real me was
The real me wasn't toxic
The real me loved flowers
And music
The real me counted the stars
And guessed at the creatures that were hidden in the clouds
The real me liked art
The real me wanted to smile and be happy
And make it
........
I realized how to not be toxic
How to love life
And the many blessings in it
I walked away from everything I knew
Everything that made me feel good
And I risked it for something new
I made a new me
I let out the real me
She'd been hidden for quite some time
And it felt extraordinary to let her be