One simple statement sets it all off. Simple things said in jest that shouldn't mean anything are the ones that hurt the most. They hurt the most because they are the most honest things that can be said. People say what's on their minds in a hateful way simply because they think you will laugh it off, but then you dont. The things run through your brain over and over and over again pulling you under into the dark chazem of your mind. There is no escape. Once you enter the only way out is by doing somthig you shouldn't. Smoking ****, maiking yourself sick, running your nails into your skin into your skin until you bleed. The only way out is to go deeper into the rabbit hole.

But once you go there you dont just pop back. Every one of those negative things has repercussions that leave you worse off than before you fell in. You try to do better "healthier" things. The okay ways to cope. But it doesn't work. All you want is what you did before. To numb the pain. If you just can't feel it then it's not there.
Peace, being numb. They are basically the same thing to an addict. As long as you dont have to feel the bad things then whatever gets the job done is the thing to do.

But then finally you reach this point where you realize that you need to change. It doesn't get easier. you have to change your brain. Find new ways to cope with the pain.

Yes cope because it never goes away. So I sit here with my paper and pen writing because its better. Even if it doesn't that way. because I'm not being a disappointment to my family, but most of all. I'm not disappointing myself.