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Apr 2017
One day I sat in bed and I wrote a note
It was about a boy, I think
He had blue eyes
And I would follow them anywhere
But he confused me and told me love was evil
but that evil was beauty  
And if I loved then whatever happened would be okay.
But then he stole my soul and I thought that I should be heartbroken
"But if you love me its okay,” he’d whisper through my tears
So I quieted my thoughts and said okay.

10 months later I sat alone on my bathroom floor
My blue eyed boy was gone
He left me covered in bruises
And filled my head with false thoughts of love
And fresh feelings of self hate
But if I loved him it was okay.

About a year ago from today
You’d think all the feelings would’ve disappeared
Because 2 years from then
Was when the blue eyed boy went away.
I sat in bed and thought of a note.
But this time it was about myself.
And everything I could think of that was wrong with me
From my eyes, to my skin, to the way I breathe.

But I was too scared to write this note
Because I couldn’t believe what I felt was true
So I swallowed a pill to help with the pain in my heart and I kept going just living
But the pain wouldn’t stop,
It came in tidal waves pouring out of me in streams of tears
So I took another pill to help with the pain,
And another..
And another.

But then there was nothing— not even a beat

And then there was something— doctors and lights

So then there was everything— all at once and I was back

So here I am,
Feelings pouring out of my fingertips because
I’ve learned to keep my tears at bay.
I’m sad,
I know it
But I truly don’t know why and my feelings won’t go away,

On this day I sat in class and wrote a note,
That started with a murderer
And ended with a living dead girl.

Today I wrote a note,
Just to try to see if I’ve ever been okay.
Adrienne Toles
Written by
Adrienne Toles  18/F/Florida
   Em MacKenzie
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