Apr 2017
I wanted to write something powerful about the time i was *****
But first i had to decide which one
There was that night in october my freshman year
When a guy i trusted took advantage of a young girl too drunk to realize
Or that time on christmas eve,
After a party, with a boy i ended up on a blind date with six months later
Or what about all those times someone forced themselves on me
And i was too ashamed to try and get away
Or guilted by them to say no,
Made me feel like i owed them my body.
Hands covering me even after i refused
As if telling me i don’t actually know what i want
Like if they just touched me anyways it would magically turn me on
Or that the way my body was curved to theirs was all the consent needed.
I tried to write about how i felt
But the feelings still overwhelm me,
Even after almost half a decade
How i was called a ****,
Told it wasn’t as bad as i made it sound,
Told that I was lying about how it affected me.
Told that he was drunk too,
Told that it was partly my fault
Told what a stand up guy he was
And when i think of that night;
i think of the next year
Him whispering in my ear during class
Hitting on me, trying to hang out
And feeling like i didn’t have a right to be...
To be…
I don’t even know how to say what i felt
Disgusted with him and with myself
Repulsed at the thought of my body when he was around
Sad, so incredibly sad that other people can understand my pain
I just get so overwhelmed i just become numb
And so here i am 4 years later,
Finally writing about the night i became just another number
Another statistic never truly understood
Forgot about in a day
But left with this pain for a lifetime
Still feeling the way he grabbed me
Mourning the loss of my body as my own
Trying to find the words to explain
But there are none to describe how it feels
When someone steals a part of you
That you can never get back,
Or the shame that hangs in the clouds
Even on your brightest days
So I’m sorry this wasn’t what i wanted it to be
But this is all i know how to say
About the days i can’t speak about.
But first i had to decide which one
There was that night in october my freshman year
When a guy i trusted took advantage of a young girl too drunk to realize
Or that time on christmas eve,
After a party, with a boy i ended up on a blind date with six months later
Or what about all those times someone forced themselves on me
And i was too ashamed to try and get away
Or guilted by them to say no,
Made me feel like i owed them my body.
Hands covering me even after i refused
As if telling me i don’t actually know what i want
Like if they just touched me anyways it would magically turn me on
Or that the way my body was curved to theirs was all the consent needed.
I tried to write about how i felt
But the feelings still overwhelm me,
Even after almost half a decade
How i was called a ****,
Told it wasn’t as bad as i made it sound,
Told that I was lying about how it affected me.
Told that he was drunk too,
Told that it was partly my fault
Told what a stand up guy he was
And when i think of that night;
i think of the next year
Him whispering in my ear during class
Hitting on me, trying to hang out
And feeling like i didn’t have a right to be...
To be…
I don’t even know how to say what i felt
Disgusted with him and with myself
Repulsed at the thought of my body when he was around
Sad, so incredibly sad that other people can understand my pain
I just get so overwhelmed i just become numb
And so here i am 4 years later,
Finally writing about the night i became just another number
Another statistic never truly understood
Forgot about in a day
But left with this pain for a lifetime
Still feeling the way he grabbed me
Mourning the loss of my body as my own
Trying to find the words to explain
But there are none to describe how it feels
When someone steals a part of you
That you can never get back,
Or the shame that hangs in the clouds
Even on your brightest days
So I’m sorry this wasn’t what i wanted it to be
But this is all i know how to say
About the days i can’t speak about.
