I don’t know if you would love me more or love me less now

I am stronger
I am not afraid
of spiders anymore.

I run to keep from crying, but
in the confines of my car
at night, driving,
I still listen to the Postal Service and
do.

I still keep a box full of
notes you wrote
I’m just not sure where it is-
it’s no longer a need but
a comfort.

We existed.
It was good.
    For a while.

We ended.
And it broke me
   For a long time.

I don’t know if you would love me more or love me less now.

Two out of three times I speak my mind.
I make
my own phone calls. I
can sometimes talk to strangers.

I wear the occasional dress now.
I don’t hide my scars.
I still can’t drive stick shift.
I still say I’m spontaneous but rarely venture outside without meticulously laid plans.

I still worry all the time about my future
and how you won’t be in it.
Once, that ruined me but now

It’s more like the kind of sadness that sits
right behind your eyes when you think about a place
you used to love but haven’t visited in years.

I don’t know if you would love me more or love me less now
Maybe, not less,
just
from further and further away.