It's a strange way to live
watching what feels like everyone
around me be in love
and have their lover
at arms length

I couldn't tell you where mine is right now

I come home and watch my parents
hardly say two words to each other
and think
what I wouldn't give to be able to say
just two words to you
right now

It surely is strange
to feel myself forgetting
your face
your smile
your voice

I force feed myself memories of
the phone calls,
the car rides,
the nights we sat in the bathtub and talked
about anything
the nights we drank ourselves into
oblivion

I missed you so much today that
I called your phone
just to give myself that false hope
for the ten seconds it rang
that you may actually pick up
you didn't pick up

It's been too long
and the cloud of uncertainty hanging over my head
does not allow me to estimate
when it will be
that I am able to do any of these things
again