i sometimes stay up all night wondering 'will i ever be good enough for someone?' i don't know if i ever will because the scars on my legs and the holes in my heart make it hard for me to ever believe i'll ever find someone.
i've built a wall of insecurity and fear that is so high and insurmountable that i don't think i even know who's behind that wall anymore.
i'm so scared that someone won't understand that while i've never suffered any true trauma my scars are in my brain down a well so deep i don't know if i'll ever be able to drag them out to heal.
is it so much to ask for someone who understands that your fear is so deep down that you're not sure if you'll ever be brave again? that you cannot handle failure and that you're not sure if anything you do or say as a result of your fear is going to drive them away or not and you cannot handle failing someone again.
so for now, until that wall has broken down the teddy bear that knows your secrets that has held you while you've cried that's been there for you always will have to be enough of a hug while you sleep.
maybe the next time i wake up there'll be a brick missing from the wall maybe the light of a brighter future will pour in and push me one day at a time one brick at a time the wall will come down.
and maybe one day it'll serve as a memory of just how far i've come and i'll feel the light on my face warming me up to the endless possibilities.
maybe inside the light i'll find you whoever you are hopefully you're out there.