the light beyond the wall
by sonja-milekovic
i sometimes stay up all night wondering
'will i ever be good enough for someone?'
i don't know if i ever will
because the scars on my legs
and the holes in my heart
make it hard for me
to ever believe i'll ever find someone.
i've built a wall of insecurity and fear
that is so high and insurmountable
that i don't think i even know
who's behind that wall anymore.
i'm so scared that someone
won't understand that while
i've never suffered any true trauma
my scars are in my brain
down a well so deep i don't know
if i'll ever be able to drag them out to heal.
is it so much to ask for someone
who understands that your fear is
so deep down that you're not sure
if you'll ever be brave again?
that you cannot handle failure
and that you're not sure if anything you do or say
as a result of your fear is going to drive them away or not
and you cannot handle failing someone again.
so for now, until that wall has broken down
the teddy bear that knows your secrets
that has held you while you've cried
that's been there for you always
will have to be enough of a hug while you sleep.
maybe the next time i wake up
there'll be a brick missing from the wall
maybe the light of a brighter future
will pour in and push me
one day at a time
one brick at a time
the wall will come down.
and maybe one day
it'll serve as a memory
of just how far i've come
and i'll feel the light on my face
warming me up to the endless possibilities.
maybe inside the light i'll find you
whoever you are
hopefully you're out there.
––s.m.