for years i let my unmet needs
your mistakes
her words
his inaction


other ****

prevent me from feeling me
i carried it all with me
like a snake carries its dinner, for too long

and you can see it, others could see it
and it is not a pleasurable sight
and it fermented inside of me

rotted

became venom

and i, the snake, got low
hunted for prey
and sunk my teeth into the weak

(were they weak or did they see something in me that i couldn’t see myself?)

leaving them lifelessly disposed to my whim and fancy
i was empty
because of you and all the others and the society which tells me to just take it

don’t feel don’t heal

in the face of the prey struck with the venom of the hurt another wave of self-loathing hit
a new flavor.
don’t **** with me, i’d say i can’t feel

there are so many yous in me (there are yous in all of us)

eventually i couldn’t hold it anymore
and my gut, cleared of venom
but starved of healing

filled with rage

rage that held more space for love than hate
can you believe it?
i grew into a rage that is righteous

righteous

i want you to know that you were wrong
that you ****** up
that it was not ok, we are not ok

holding space

but i also want you to know that it is bigger than you
it is bigger than me
harm harms harmed people and harms the people who harm.

that’s it, that’s the world we live in

i wanna talk to the yous
to tell them about the hurt
about the venom, about the rage

but our culture has a tragic case of delusion

you are hurting me! The yous say
you are attacking my self-worth!
I can’t handle this! I am afraid of your truths!

i am trying to love you & me

righteous rage means being there in solidarity to call out harm when it happens
knowing that calling out harm causes harm
and not getting angry, because healing is a long process.

i don’t carry that snake or its venom anymore

i practice healing and righteous rage
i don’t trust the yous ((we can’t yet))
i trust the process

& am free

“you are beautiful, the gods wait to delight in you”