it's been a while
I don't feel the angst anymore
most of the time
but some days I wake up
and feel that existing is a crime

I have goals
there are places I need to get to
my future is in front of me
but it's hard to get up
I don't know how to be

I don't feel like a "real" adult
in fact, I don't feel real at all
routines play out the same
but I want it to be different
change is blocked by shame

but if I could just paint with a hand
claw the pigment beneath my nails again
it'd be creativity unplanned

but I'm tired of trying
I want effortless success,
a gift for all my endless prying

but I won't find that
because in places I've been,
there's not much to look at