I have lived in hell,
I called it love.
I was told by him,
It was me who turned our heaven into hell.
Now though as the fog is fading,
I know.
I know it wasn't me at all.

I was not to blame for being strangled.
I was not to blame for being dragged into the darkness of a football field at midnight.
For believing that this is where I would die.
Beaten in a field so close to home,
With my pants around my ankles.
After he ***** me, strangled me.
After he punched my face, hit me with what ever would hurt.

It was not my fault he whipped me, chased me down streets while I cried.
While I prayed for safety.
It was not my fault he lied about me.
It was on him, the bite marks, the concussions.
The way he destroyed everything I owned.
Everything I was.

It is his fault what he did.
But what is on me is what I am still allowing him to do.
I am still afraid to be alone,
I will look over my shoulders as if his eyes are watching my every move.
I am certain that one day my family will be notified of my death.
I am not sure how i change that.

I let his words consume me,
I dont feel lovable, maybe everyone is better in bed than me.
Perhaps I am just this ugly, useless repulsive joke.
Perhaps anyone who may fall for me,
Or who I fall for will hate me within a day or two.
Because I am such a pathetic waste.
I am stupid, I am fat, I am worthless.
These thoughts and the scars are what remain of my hell.

I am wanting to move forward, be normal, believe in happiness and people that are good inside.
I want to believe there is actually good in me.
But i am so afraid, what if there is truth in his words?
What if I deserved the nightmare's?
What if I caused the violence?

Cause all I really want is to lay beside you,
Someone new, someone genuine.
I want to know that I am not just a joke to you
That you actually want to kiss me ad much as I want to kiss you.
I just need you to know,
That right now I don't expect forever, and I dont need an I love you.
I just want honesty, I want to be able to not be a disappointment to you.
I want you to like who I am, and to not play games.

Because I am trying to heal myself and just need you to know
That I dont want to learn that he was right
And I was wrong.