I am sober and my mind wanders to a place that I have tried to close off permanently...still.

I have been in love before... About 15 years ago...
I realise I am still in love with him and he is in love with me.
We have accepted and confessed to each other the bare truth.
And when we did...
When I felt my love rise out of me and land on him in Total honesty...
I felt freed and was able to say I am still in love with him, but not harnessed by it.
It does not hold me back.
Rather it pushes me forward to love again.
It also allowed me to be honest in another aspect...
I am not submissive.
I played that role for you to please you.
I enjoyed it more than I thought was possible and I truly thought that was the only way you'd like me.
This is not about you.
This is about me being a certain way for people to like me...
When I am most likeable being myself.
I am in love with you still...
But, it's tainted by the darkness of the fetish.
That first date...
The fear
My conditioning in abuse.