17
I will be 17 on Thursday
I'll be one-year closer
To a legal adult

I'm supposed to be a mature teenager
I'm supposed to act my age
And be getting ready for college
And my future

But how am I supposed to do that
When I'm locked inside my own head?

I'm going to be 17
But I act like I'm 3

I have a favorite stuffed animal
I color
I draw
I sing off tune
I watch cartoons

I have to grow up

I never thought words
Could taste so bitter
As they rolled off my tongue



I've been asked
Who would you be without your anxiety?

And honestly,
I have absolutely no idea
Because I've always had it

I get so stressed
And overwhelmed
That I shut it all up
And shut it all down
And revert to a small child

It's unhealthy
I know that
I'm fully aware
But it's all I know how to do



I've been told my anxiety is a choice
As in
I can choose to let it consume me
Or I could shut it down every morning

Truth is
I don't know how to shut it down

I don't know how to act my age
I don't know how to control my feelings
I don't know how to do what I need to
I just don't know



I don't want to keep fighting
I don't want to grow up
I don't want to do any of it

But I have to

So I will

Because I've made promises
To fight
To stay strong
And I don't break promises



So I will fight
So I will work on my anxiety
So I will work to grow up

Because fighters always win
It's just a matter of time