Dec 2016
/
I have a stark longing for you
But I dilute it with drops of hesitancy and dashes of indecision
//
Sometimes I feel like we are both playing a game and I can never tell who is winning.
One minute I am playing you like a fiddle and the next minute I find myself being accidentally genuine.
I know you are strategically manipulating me most of the time but I catch glimpses of realness in you too .
I remind myself to stay guarded- to not get attached- this is just fun, right?
But then an authentic emotion stirs within me.
And I have never been one to stifle the movement of authenticity.
///
It feels authentic when you remember little things about me...and about us.
It feels authentic when I catch myself stammering for words because your kind eyes catch me off guard. And my mind flashes back to the way those green eyes would look at me right before we kissed.
It feels authentic when I find myself praying for you. Praying that you'll nail your job interview or have life-giving friendships or fall in love with the perfect girl.
It's moments like these that I realize I am losing this game of ours.
I try to push away the care that I feel for you because, frankly, it hurts
It is much easier to pretend that I'm apathetic and unattached
And sometimes I beat myself up for caring about you because you make it so **** hard to do.
////
If I know that you are not my future- why am I so intent on fitting you into my present?
There is a cruel irony in the way that I came crawling back.
I finally surfaced from the tumultuous waters of you, only to turn around and voluntarily plunge back in.
/////
And I know that you probably don't trust me
And I suspect that you don't experience the same care for me that I have for you
But sometimes I detect a flash of the longing that you have for me
You long for my attention and affection
You long for my encouragement and friendship
You long for my body to be wrapped up in yours- like slipping into a familiar pair of sweatpants
You long for me to long for you
/
but is that enough?
I have a stark longing for you
But I dilute it with drops of hesitancy and dashes of indecision
//
Sometimes I feel like we are both playing a game and I can never tell who is winning.
One minute I am playing you like a fiddle and the next minute I find myself being accidentally genuine.
I know you are strategically manipulating me most of the time but I catch glimpses of realness in you too .
I remind myself to stay guarded- to not get attached- this is just fun, right?
But then an authentic emotion stirs within me.
And I have never been one to stifle the movement of authenticity.
///
It feels authentic when you remember little things about me...and about us.
It feels authentic when I catch myself stammering for words because your kind eyes catch me off guard. And my mind flashes back to the way those green eyes would look at me right before we kissed.
It feels authentic when I find myself praying for you. Praying that you'll nail your job interview or have life-giving friendships or fall in love with the perfect girl.
It's moments like these that I realize I am losing this game of ours.
I try to push away the care that I feel for you because, frankly, it hurts
It is much easier to pretend that I'm apathetic and unattached
And sometimes I beat myself up for caring about you because you make it so **** hard to do.
////
If I know that you are not my future- why am I so intent on fitting you into my present?
There is a cruel irony in the way that I came crawling back.
I finally surfaced from the tumultuous waters of you, only to turn around and voluntarily plunge back in.
/////
And I know that you probably don't trust me
And I suspect that you don't experience the same care for me that I have for you
But sometimes I detect a flash of the longing that you have for me
You long for my attention and affection
You long for my encouragement and friendship
You long for my body to be wrapped up in yours- like slipping into a familiar pair of sweatpants
You long for me to long for you
/
but is that enough?
