but i have eighteen,
one is that i've found more comfort in these clothes than in my own body because i can't stand my bones,
two is that my heart is so heavy with all the weight i've had to carry for all of us,
three is that my mouth is sewn shut when it comes to speaking my mind about you and her,
four is that all i hear from you are complaints,
five is that i only complain too,
six is that i feel so stuck here,
seven is that i have no money for cigarettes,
eight is my lack of motivation,
nine is my obsession with burning myself out until there's no wax left in this candle,
ten is this ******* loneliness,
eleven is a *** drive that makes me want to be abused,
twelve is this voice that belongs to me three years ago,
thirteen is the fact that i won't have skin left by the time i'm twenty nine because i keep carving ink into myself,
fourteen is my anxiety, i can't even stand up for myself,
fifteen is the lies i keep telling everyone when i say i know what i'm doing,
sixteen is when i pretend that my friends are real,
seventeen is that i don't think i'm going to graduate,
eighteen is that i really have more than eighteen problems and they all keep me awake at night and they keep from reading those books that have been unfinished on my shelf for months now.

you say i have a problem,
but i know that.
i don't need you to remind me,
not when i find a minute to forget about them.