I'm a stone, from my head to my toes, from my clothes to my skin down to my bones.

I don't feel much, but I  certainly don't show what I do feel and I dont talk enough to anyone.

But I must admit that im scared as ****!

In 2 days I'ma be 19, my only love is 8 weeks into carrying my first child, I work hard as hell in dangerous situations and I dont get paid half of what I'm owed so I'm always broke.

My father just got out of prison 3 days ago and 2morrow im going to introduce him to my girlfriend.

Im gonna break the news that even tho he was never there for me hes 8 month from being a grandfather.

And I just don't know how I feel about allowing a man that I barely know having a part in my child's heart, when he could leave at any moment hurting my first born.

I smoke dope and it's what helps me get things done an work hard.

It don't make me tweak but even tho I try not to spend money on what I smoke sometimes I lose motivation and sit around so 20 or 30 bucks now and then could make me broke and leave my family without.

Im excited to raise my own child, I'm sure I'll be good but I'm young and don't know the half of this **** that I say do.

What do I do when I have no money I've already given up on drugs cuz I have no funds and   my family's hungry.

Im so proud I never ask for hand outs, I chose to rob and steal for a meal rather than ask the people willing to help for a loan to get me and my girl along.

Im scared for the future,... I raised myself and taught myself how to live without **** but I based my life off of street principals

Steal to eat, sell what you don't need, rob cars to support problems that scream till I feed em with drugs and bad habits

I won't let my child need to do what I had to do cuz I'll be there to make ends meet, but what lesson can I teach.

I could tell you *******, do drugs, steal and cheat. I could form a real gangster out of a white boy that's never Felt the pain you get on the streets.

But I stopped listening to teachers in the second grade cuz I yearned for an easy life and quick pay.

Im smart but as far as school im brilliant in an evil way

How can I help with homework when I don't know anything about half of what schools are teaching

I can show them how to work hard and build things, all the odds and ends to creating a building.

But what if they don't want to labor for a living? What if numbers are what there dream job requires?

What I even if I'm around my child resents me cuz they learn and think differently?

Im so excited to have a child of my own that I've already started talking to my girls stomach.

Im sorry if I rambled on or didn't rhyme the whole time but I needed to babble for a while about how scared shitless I am for tomorrow, 8 months from  now an the next 18 years that follow.


I promise I'll do all I can to give my child every opportunity the world has. I know I won't teach my child about my past or allow them to follow. I just don't know how to stay hallow when tears keep fillin me up and leaking out creating a a puddle I wish was shallow.

So every night before I sleep or at least by midnight I will repeat to my self the words that follow.


You are a good man with respect and courtesy.
In hard times you make ends meet and support your family with hard work and honesty.
Respect, honor, and hard work are all things my child will learn by watching me.
Sarah can teach school and other things, and I can teach hard work and Practical things.
Fear is natural an good when contemplating raising a child!
Atleast that means I want for them, better things.
I will be a great father among other things and I won't always be correct in my teaching, but BUT I SWEAR BY MY HONOR THAT MY CHILD WILL KNOW ME, LOVE, HATE LEARN FROM AND GROW TO BE RESPECTABLE, HARD WORKING, DOWN TO EARTH INTELLIGENT, AND ABOVE ALL THINGS HAPPY AND UNDERSTANDING! All because I will raise him with LOVE give TIME to LISTEN and TEACH HIM WHEN EVER HE FINDS REASON TO QUESTION A REASON.
I WILL BE A GOOD FATHER AN I WILL NEVER LEAVE MY LOVE OR MY CHILD BY CHOICE. I WILL FIGHT TO MAKE  MY FAMILY A GOOD LIFE, UNTILL I DIE...!!!!!!!!!!!




Sorry I'm just so nervous to raise a child, I had no parents, my mom and dad abandoned me and my grandfather left me to raise myself while he locked himself in his room UNTILL he had a reason to yell at me for another way I've ruined his life.
So with no money as a small child and nobody to support me right, my habits formed to insure i survived
I feed and clothed myself before I was 5. I just can't stop worrying about how I will raise a child and if I'll even do it right.