It hurts to not be somebody's first choice
To feel like an afterthought
It hurts when they tell you they care but their actions scream out: "you're worthless!"
It hurts when you sheepishly ask to cuddle and he pointedly sits on the couch across the room
It hurts when you feel like you valued the relationship more than he ever did
It hurts when you feel like a filler of a human
Something that he spent his time on until he could finally obtain someone better
It hurts when you start to wonder if there really is something inherently unlovable about who you are
There must be something fundamentally broken in me because every time a guy gets close enough to see inside, he backs away
Maybe if I had good skin and soft hair and toned abs
Maybe if my sense of humor was wittier
Or my passions were more beautiful
Or my nail beds weren't a disaster
Or if I cared for people better
Or if I was more confident in myself
Maybe then I would be lovable
Maybe then someone would value me as much as I value them
I know relationships are hard and love is a choice but there is a base level of adoration that people seem to have for their partners
Why have I never experienced that?
When will anyone look into my bruised, twisted heart and decide that it is worth choosing?
It hurts to not be somebody's first choice.