All of a sudden i’m back to a wednesday afternoon
And i’m thirteen again,
Startled by a knocking on the door
Followed by an angry bellowing
And i see a face i had thought i was done with.
The door begins to creak open
Left unlocked and cracked,
The naivety of a trusting child
Excited to be home safe from a long day of school
And i push with all my might
To close and lock the door
Afraid he would get in -
Afraid of what would happen if he did.
Tears begin to fall,
Hesitant at first to leave my eyes
Then cascading down around me
Trying to drown my fear and myself -
He can’t **** me if i’m already dead.
Right?

I can hear myself screaming
And feel myself shaking
But i don’t feel like i’m there,
Trying to block it out,
Play it back like a movie
Where if i just wait long enough
The hero will come in
Save the day,
And save me.
A minute feels like an hour
As i pray and i pray and i pray
Hold onto myself for dear life,
Digging my fingernails into my skin
Trying to awake from this bad dream
Craving something sharper to help ease the pain
And the pounding continues
as i realize this isn’t a dream
Or a nightmare
But the nightmare my life has become
What did i do to deserve this?



In time the commotion ceases
I’m left alone
Trapped in a horror worse than before,
Wondering if he has left
Or is just waiting for me to stop hiding
Peek out from the basement,
See if he’s gone
Waiting….
Waiting for the perfect moment
To wrap his hands around my neck
Tell me he loves me one last time and end it
A final goodbye
The final ending
Dear god why did you abandon me at this crucial hour?

I cry myself to sleep that night
And for the next few as well
Coming home becomes a chore
Fills me with dread as i enter the driveway
I’m afraid to be alone
Lost in a panic
My mind’s always racing
And paranoia has set in like a blanket of doom
Always checking my back,
Wondering when he’ll appear
Finish the job he didn’t before
The days keep coming
The nights feel everlasting
I wish i could run away
Find somewhere that feels safe
Somewhere he’ll never be able to find me
But i’m trapped in this hell hole i call my mind
And I know that leaving won’t change a thing.
I just want to feel safe
Why can’t i ever feel safe?