I don't want to fight it.
Joy pops in just to give you perspective
When sorrow rears its ugly head again.
Loneliness is being alone
And the absence of people
And the absence of love
And the absence of purpose
And the absence of hope
It is empty.
Loneliness will keep you company
Which is as ironic as it gets.
It holds you almost as tight as sadness does
And it's hard to fight against their grip
It's tiring
It's difficult
It's not worth it.
It hurts, it takes, it is relentless.
I don't want to fight it anymore.
I don't want to force a smile
I don't want to convince myself to get out of bed
I don't want to struggle to go outside
I don't want to fight it anymore.
"Just breathe" isn't good enough
"It'll get better" won't do it
"Be strong" doesn't help.
Crying is cathartic
But also addictive.
Nobody knows how to ask for help
And even if they do
It's hard
To admit that you are so far gone
To the people that you care about.
And what would help?
I don't want to fight it anymore.
I'm battle-worn
Bruised
Fatigued
Scarred
Bleeding
Trembling
Moaning in pain
Baring my soul for all to see but hiding it behind my heart.
It's hard to see through tears
It's hard to speak with a throat so closed
It's hard to walk when you don't want to go
It's hard to stay when you feel suffocated
How do you stop when you're so far in?
Where do you go?
What do you do?
What does a beating heart mean?
That you are alive?
That you feel?
I don't want to fight it anymore.
Nights are the hardest,
Not because it's dark
But because the world slows down
It doesn't bring you places
Or bring people to you
It tells you to rest
But that is when the demons creep in
Whispering
Telling you that you're not good enough
Telling you what's wrong with you
Playing on your heart
Tearing it apart
Playing with your thoughts
Tugging them this way and that.
Rocking back and forth
Pulling at your hair
Biting your fingers
Anything to distract from the pain in your chest
I don't want to fight it.