I know you think I hate you. I know you think I'm trying to ruin your life. But honey remember all of those nights I said I loved you? I still mean that. I always will. I'll never forget the long walks. I'll never forget the friendship bracelets that you worked so *******, the cookies I was too scared to take out of the oven, the car rides where we got lost every time on the way to church, or the facetime calls until 4 a.m when I would fall asleep while you were still doing homework. I could never forget about those moments. They were beautiful. They were refreshing. I never knew how to trust, love, or live fully before us. I told you I would never give up. But darling when you hurt me like that I couldn't pretend like it didn't hurt. I can't pretend none of this hurts. Like when I see our old emails, or when our old pictures fall out of my closet, or when I see the rocks you gave me every morning. You're never going to leave my life because even though we aren't talking right now, you are still such a big part of it. I find traces of you everywhere. In my brain, my words, my tears. Sometimes I see your truck around town and I remember the day you drove to my house in tears telling me things would never be the same. They never were. Sometimes I see you wear the sweatshirt I slept for nights in and I remember the way it smelled of you. I know if I still smelled it now I would still feel safe and I hate that and love that all at once. I'm trying to be okay without you and I think I will. I'm trying to move on and I think I will. But both of these things are making me restless. Thank you for everything old friend. Thank you for dealing with my panic attacks. Thank you for cheering me on even when you didn't agree. Thank you for calling me late at night. Thank you for hugging me tighter even when I pulled away. Thank you for being the sweetest, most genuine boy I've ever come to know. I love you dearly. I hope you are doing better than me, truly.  I hope you see that this was for the best. You truly left such a mark on my life and soul and I will never be able to repay you. I'll see you very soon.