There are secrets I've never told you
I've never been brave enough
I don't know if I ever will.
The things that have been done to me…
The ways I've been used…

I'm filthy
I'm unclean
I wish I could scrub my very skin off
but even that wouldn't be enough.

I want to tell you about the night
that I passed out drunk
and woke up to someone having his way with me.

I want to tell you about the time
I experimented with a girlfriend of mine
and her husband decided he'd rather have me
even without my permission.

I want to tell you about my ex
who regularly did as he pleased with me
even after I told him no,
Or another ex
who decided that while I was already pinned down
he might as well try other things
that I very much did not want.

I want to tell you about the first time
I ever gave a *******,
how I didn't want to
but he made me do it,
and pushed me down until I choked.
How I was only 16 when that happened.

I want to tell you about the time I lost my virginity
to a boy who took me to his house
instead of swim practice
and held me down until he finished
before taking me to practice
late
with the proof of what he had done
still covering my skirt.

I want to tell you these things
and how they've hurt me,
how they've changed who I am.

I want you to understand why
some days
I can't get out of bed.

I want you to understand
these scars on my wrists
and why I felt like that was my only option.

I want you to know me
in this way that no one else does.
But these are the words I will never be able to speak.
These are the secrets that will die with me
hardened into a ball of ice where my heart used to be.

These are my demons
and mine alone.