I’ve been told to communicate with you through dreams through prayer through wishes
But I thought I’d write you a letter instead
Do they receive letters in heaven? Or hell?
After all, you chose to commit suicide. Such an ugly word; one I can’t seem to say anymore

And it was your decision to leave
To leave the stress the responsibility the pain
And I could understand all of that if not for one thing;
You left me

The man so paranoid about my safety
You locked everything and once armed me with expired pepper spray rather than leave me weaponless
But now you’ve left me unprotected
An easy target for anyone wishing to throw darts or shoot a gun

Speaking of guns
Where’d you get that shotgun and where did you hide it?
Such a messy and grisly weapon of choice
For the man with the perfectly coifed hair and the immaculate shirts and sweater vests

I got my driver’s license
And now, everywhere I drive, your voice echoes suggestions in my head
And I remember you saying so recently that you couldn’t wait to teach me how to drive in snow
Why would you say that?

And why did you end everything so close to my birthday?
Was the goal to see me turn seventeen because that meant I was old enough to handle your death?
Because being 17 years and 6 days old still wasn’t old enough to handle what I dealt with
It wasn’t old enough to see you lying there

People say you didn’t mean to hurt me
You never meant for me to be the one to find you
But who else was going to do it?
I mean you must have thought of that

But I don’t want you thinking I was your perfect unblemished daughter before this
I’ve made out with a boy I’ve drank alcohol I’ve sexted
If you even know what that means
Plus, I’ve been dealing with Mom’s cancer for a number of years now

Speaking of which, I don’t know if you’ve heard
But Mom’s cancer is back and she’***** the jackpot this time
It’s in her pancreas and she hasn’t got very long to live, so maybe you’ll see her soon
That is, if you are in heaven

And that brings us to the question doesn’t it: why couldn’t you have waited?
Waited for me to get my license for Kristen’s Sweet 16 for my graduation
Was life really that unbearably bleak that you couldn’t have lasted one more month?
Because I’m lasting

Even though now life seems like a cruel joke
An unfair game where things get taken away with no notice and for no reason
And that childhood pastime Kristen and I had of pretending to be orphans
Doesn’t seem so fun anymore

I can’t make wishes anymore either
Because the things I truly want to wish for with all of my heart can’t come true
***** the Disney princesses because even a thousand eyelash wishes couldn’t bring back
Just one of your deep belly laughs to wake me up in the morning

And I know this wasn’t your intention, at least I hope it wasn’t,
But you’ve left me feeling kind of worthless
Because I wasn’t worth saying goodbye to or writing a letter for
I wasn’t worth holding onto

And ever since you’ve left, Dad, I’ve felt empty
And all of that empty space must be filled with tears because I constantly feel like crying
All I want is for you to hold me, just for a minute,
But you can’t always get what you want, right?

I guess the emptiness makes sense
Even if it’s sometimes a paradoxical emptiness because I’ve been suffocating ever since
I opened that door
And fell into the abyss