Right now
sitting in a Library
and a phone was ringing about 5 minutes ago

no wait,

Right now
i can hear me typing

while I type

I am not going back and editing the words I write
so no repeating
thud thud thud
of the delete button.

I said the phone rang before
for it was its almost comical or theatrical
but let me distinguish, NOT its dramatic effect
in which
I placed the carelessness of a vague email I had just received.

Let me correct, Facebook message
that I received.

A friend, who I had fallen out with
suggesting we reconnect as holding a grudge was

-and again that same ring - this time from the help desk in front of me
rather than the security desk behind me rang.-

was unnecessary.

With all the ringing phones- timid conversation- and typing- with my academic books right next to me- among going through emails- with plans to go home later tonight and make dinner- feeling like everything is flowing so calmly in this library- I would not need to take him up on his offer.

And this seemed to make sense
whether it made me a *******
and my lingering desire to stay
lonely makes more sense to me
than trying to keep really unfrie-
ndly 'friends' around- or desper-
ately trying to cling to whatever
friends I can.

Perhaps I am ******* either
way, depending on how you look
at it.
But right now I not feeling any more pain
than in my left index finger nail
where I have cut it too short.