i was unhappy in ways that i could not explain,
not to you,
not to her,
not to anyone.

so i did what i have done once before,
and it hurt.
regret sinks in quick once you do something bad,
and it lingers like onion on your breath.

i've never loved like that.
the dreams come every night,
the good ones
where i'm wrapped in your arms when it's cold outside
and you shiver and whisper in my ear
you tell me you love me with the biggest smile i've ever seen
and i can't help smiling myself
but when i wake up,
it's a nightmare,
the good dreams are nothing but the past,
and i live in a life
where a lump grows in my throat
when we make eye contact
and i have to look away so i don't cry
a life where i have to watch her hands on your back,
and you roll your head back laughing,
a life where i'm not right next to you holding your hand,
and laughing at your terrible jokes

but this is my nightmare,
one i've created for myself,
one that i can't get rid of,
by sleeping in my mother's bed,
one that i can't even wake up from all