written by Kristie Ledwith Townsend in 2007, about my Eating Disorder.

17 May 2012

MY QUEST TO BE THIN


I begin to heave, to choke
Surprised? why? own fault!
Its all the food I've just forced down my own throat!
No one knows the true extent of my pain
Or how this self harm feeds my own shame
And, how I only have myself to blame

Sometimes, I even forget to chew
Focused only on ramming, stuffing, gorging
In my own nausea and self loathing I silently stew

Then theres the urge to run, for my own guts I must, predictably, spew

Its a welcome release, a relief
I'm clean, at peace, thats my silly belief
But just seconds later, those old hatreds return
Along with internalised anger, at my inability to learn!

New ways to release negatives are what I need
To My Angels, Spirits, Guides & the Universe I frantically plead
"release me, PLEASE, from this self imposed hell!"
"just for a little while, so I can feel well"


When I can not throw up I know what I must do
Buy Laxatives, how many? - a lot
And then Find a quiet loo

If they should fail to work
I always have amphetamine to give me a perk
'I'm an addict' -I half heartedly joke
As to the ribs, my conscience, gives me a sharp poke

I'd give ANYTHING to be thin and happy
I willingly embrace guilt, paranoia & being snappy

For NEVER, EVER again do I wish to be fat


Nor to be miserable, or taken for a ****








So until I find a cure


whilst my emotions remain raw


I'll keep popping pills, making my throat sore


Binge eating, looking to score, forever needing more








If I was CLEVER, PRETTY, THIN


YOUNGER, FUNNIER, HAD GREAT SKIN


He would have LOVED me, he would have stayed


He would never have played, the cruel games that he played








He would still be here, holding me tight


Loving me, soothing me, hearing my plight


Kissing me, caressing me, each and every night


Wanting me near him, keeping me in his sight








But I pushed him away, with my self abuse


Ha! or at least that was his excuse


He wasn't strong enough to see it through


He was not aware of the damage, him leaving would do








So, for now, I'll continue to purge daily, it helps me smile


for I feel slightly in control again, for just a short while


One day, when I'm braver, Stronger, Have a goal


I will break this habit, dig myself out of this hole





Failure to do so, I will NOT contemplate


I must seek HELP now, before its too late


I must do IT NOW, I must plan my escape!