i never quite understood why
i enjoyed drinking just a little too much
or sniffing my pretty little chill pills

and i never understood why, after i stopped,
i missed the bitter taste of the trickle at the back of my throat occasionally
or would look back and wonder how i felt less nauseous on days spent on my bed, puking into my waste basket
then i did presently, eating healthily, keeping it down, going to class, being fully present in the lives of my friends and family

i would begin to feel, at the pit of my stomach, a sort of squirm, an uneasiness, an uncertainty that at any moment, my heart, may in fact, fall straight out of my ***

my gaze would begin to linger on the signs of liquor stores
and instead of burdening the ones i love by spewing my love, my hope, my fears for every soul that decides to sit down for tea

i decided, as if there were no alternative, I would spare them the soul diarrhea, because what advice, solace, could they give me?