So the wolf that I feed is the wolf that then heeds me? Or does it "feed" me? Am I spoiling one greedy? Both wolves are inside me, how could I deny the darkness that sparks THIS? My wolf pups both need me. Darkness suppressed grows enraged and uncaring, and really how good is the other if it can't practice sharing? I want to be "good" but what motivates that desire? We're selfish by nature, it's survival, hardwired. Being "good" after all could still be subjective, jury's still out on inherent versus collective agreement, conventional reason, ****- what's the 'greater good' and from whose vantage point can you see it? Maybe being selfish isn't such a bad thing, if what I want is to love and the trust that it brings. Could it be that my wolves don't need to compete, that when there's no fear of famine there's always enough to eat? I know that Darkness explored widens the spectrum, learning not to fear yourself creates oasis in the bedlam. But one can get too comfortable within their indulgence, succumb to seduction of abundance and substance, lie to themselves about what their heart truly craves, pleasure's not evil, but distracting, it plays on denial, creates rigged to fail trials, enjoys shame and destruction trapped in a sure to fall spiral. The part of myself that doubts if I'm worthy, rationalizes pain and makes the road to joy blurry, tells me I deserve to take and take because I know I'm the ****, and then strangles me with disgust and says I'm really just a piece of it. So how do I know when what I want doesn't fit with my vision of health and my "forgive yourself" bit? When does being ******* myself become the problem and create ultimatums that mean certain death if gone back on? How do I understand moderation and hold space for human error, allow trust in exploration but not make choices in reaction to terror? Terror of failing as well as terror of success, but embracing imperfection is what gives my heart rest.