I thought I knew what I wanted when I came here. I think that’s how most people think anyway. They have this idea in their minds of who they want to be and it’s exciting and hopeful. I’ve always had trouble with my identity. I was a rambunctious little girl to an angst full teen to a raging selfish ***** to an emotional wreck to a human and then to a planet. And that’s where we stand right now.

I’ve had such the identity crisis that I honestly believe that I gave up being a human being and settled on being a planet. Far, cold, distant, and lonely. Pretty accurate. But coming here I wanted to try to be a human again. I missed it, honestly. I wanted to feel something more than just ice in my core and a fabricated warmth on the outside. So, I tried again. I tried to be human again. And I let whatever that means in – people, life, hurt, pain, happiness etc. And for a while it worked. There was, of course, a lot of feeling. And when I say that I mean crying. Like so ******* much. But I still let things in that I haven’t let in for a very, very, VERY, long time. I let life give me back my ******* insane emotions, I let them in, I let her in, and him in. I let him in.

But I realized that what I thought I wanted is not what I really want. It’s not what I need. It’s ******* nothing. I tried, I really ******* tried, to become normal again. To be HUMAN again. And it wasn’t worth it. In the end it just made me feel like I was being used, like there is this lie everyone knows but no one speaks of. IT’S LIKE EVERYONE IS IN ON IT. And I thought I could ignore it, I thought I could push it to the back of my mind and hope that God loves me and everything would be okay.

I thought I could do it.

But I let them in… not only that I let them touch me. I thought I could let people touch me again but all I feel is violated. All I feel is constant ******* pain and regret. And when I ignore that pain it just gets worse. And when I tell someone about my pain they don’t get it. Because they are human. Because they are ******* human and they don’t care about me they care about themselves. They care about their life and emotions and constant ******* pain. And they ignore it SO ******* WELL.

AND I WONDER WHY I CAN’T IGNORE IT. I WANT TO KNOW WHY I CAN’T ******* TURN A BLIND EYE BECAUSE THIS PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING AND NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT NO ONE ******* CARES AND I WISH I DIDN’T ******* CARE BUT I DO I ALWAYS DO.

I’m tired again. And I know now that I can’t be human anymore.

I am forever just a cold and a distant planet with a heart too big for humanity.