*When I first met you your light changed me,
this girl bursting with energy
communing with nature
and bleeding poetry.
I felt alive when talking to you,
comparing your serene coolness to my cheap imitation
must have looked foolish,
but it was innocent and lovely.*
Right about then you threw up in my room.
*Everything I learned about you just sparked more desires.
I caught myself writing poetry to your praise
and leaping at you with blinders on to anything that I didn’t care for.
Your smile evolved from what I first felt was charming
into something deadly and seductive.
You gave me chills and left me
gasping
for
air.*
We ****** but you hated when I called it that,
you used cutesy words and danced around all of my advances.
*We ran out of small talk questions as time rolled on,
settling into philosophy
and debates about how people are alike and different.
We took turns falling into the pessimist role and donning the cloak of the eternal optimist,
I was always better at the former.
I caught a glimpse of the shadow cast hiding behind your shining light.
Being that it was a part of you it naturally interested me,
and I pressed you for more and more.*
You drank yourself unconscious at a party and I held you in my arms.
I nursed you back to health and we “fricked” for the entire night.
I didn’t even care that you smelled like puke.
*We filled in the blanks trading blows of what we considered our darkest secrets.
Yours always won and they made me see you in a new light,
almost as this delicate beauty majestically growing in a dark void.
I understood you better, and I almost wished I didn’t.*
“Sure I can bring some over,
I’m just glad to see you.
How have you been?
No I don’t have anymore.
Yeah I’ll leave.”
*I started to hear the same stories;
I still laughed at your energy and enthusiasm in telling them.
I saw you less and less and when I did you seemed different,
like you were just donning some mask, playing a part just for me
. That’s when I first noticed the split in you.
The tired lines stretching from your cheeks
holding up that delicate smile,
I was determined to erase them.*
You still banged me from time to time.
So like a pilgrim to a holy land I kept showing up
bringing alcoholic offerings as a sign of good faith.
We never talked about poetry anymore,
but I didn’t mind.
We hid in your basement and ******* about the world,
until the beer ran out, or you passed out and I left.
*Your eyes hurt me then.
What I once saw as a mirror like shine filled in,
and now seemed glassy and shallow.
I started drawing when we hung out to have an excuse not to stare into them anymore.
Life raged on and it seemed like the waves were slowly eating away the girl I knew.*
I realized that I was your fix.
When I called you on it you laughed and seemed surprised it took me this long to get it,
I didn’t stop coming,
it actually felt good to get rid of the pretense,
it was like a show, watching you drink away your soul.
Some friend I am. At least I wasn’t a drunk I told myself.
*As your life spiraled downwards from your addiction it brought you to a lot of painful places.
Places with bars and handcuffs,
places with straps,
places with tubes connecting your tiny frame to big machines.
I wasn’t there to see you in those places, I couldn’t.*
I started yelling at you,
trying to wake you up from the slumber you seemed content to stumble around in.
I lectured you and watched as you let it flow right past.
I called you on your lies and refused to be your delivery service.
I hoped it wasn’t too late.
I want to see that girl who bleeds poetry again,
And I’ll wear my best suit to your grave.