My fears are bleeding out onto this surface I'm so tired of feeling worthless and just because I am an addict doesn't mean I don't have a purpose in healing the people on this earth mess with my overflowing love and kindness I'm not typical or critical my love is unconditional as an empath I absorb your pain and guilt and shame and bottle it up and drink it down I'm drained at the end of most days from dealing with my never ceasing brain trying to process the constant strain from stress pouring down like rain on my chest  but I digress before I sound like I'm trying to win some imaginary pity contest so yes I am indeeed a hot mess and am likely to die by drinking myself to death and even alcoholic's anonymous didn't digest as I prayed and pleaded with God from my knees to take away my disease and I had what I thought was an epiphany until the misery came flooding back so I snapped and bailed out of rehab and stopped lying to myself that any part of me wants to stay alcohol free I couldn't handle that I need my carrot dangling and waiting at the end of a day full of frustrating blends of fear and anxiety screaming at me to make amends with the friends in my head and maybe it's a sin but then again my God is loving and not nothing but everything there is including my relief in a bottle or is that me just justifying... oh jeez... get the **** out of my head!

*takes a shot