I heard the news of your broken bones-
but you have always been so heavy heart
and so hard head
it seemed like nothing more
than another scratch
nothing more than
another obstacle
you would move through.

Jump through the hoops
like you've always done
so resilient in nature
and unrelenting in stature.

Invincibility was apart of your genetic makeup-
ran through your bloodstream
even when I first met you.
But I never thought it would come to this.

Just another picture on the wall-
another memory
that keeps me clinging to this pain
that is withering inside my chest
and I am sinking
and sinking and sinking.

I can't stop thinking
and thinking and thinking
about the distance that grew between us.
Miles made it hard to be there for you
and that's all I ever knew how to do.
You didn't listen to orders
and took your own advice.
You're strong and ambitious
and it was built inside of your bones
from so young
so innocent
and then you grew-
grew to be something different.

You changed me
and from how it seems
you changed everyone else to.

I'm in a world without you now
but I can't be sad
I don't have a right to be sad
because you wouldn't want that.
You would tell me
"*****, you know I'm gonna haunt your ***"
and you would throw your head back
and laugh and laugh and laugh.

But I still cry at the thought
and I still cry at the lack there of.

Your bones broke inside of your chest
and I wish I would've tried harder
to keep you inside of mine.

Now everything is broken inside of me.
and I can't seem to place my head on correctly
or even formulate it into poetry
this just feels like ice-ridden insanity
a chill down my spine
that will never disappear
a constant reminder of the cruelty of life.

I don't feel real as of late,
just a dream
a figment of my own imagination.
I spend more days out of my body
than in it lately.
This world isn't a place I like to be.

You were always
my little sister
my biggest supporter
and a giant pain in my ***.
I cared too much
sometimes I think it pushed us apart.

I'm taking a plane alone tomorrow
so I can attend your funeral.
If it wasn't these circumstances
the plane would leave without me
because my anxiety would
stick me to this city I live.
But you're still pushing me
even after you're gone-
to leave my comfort zone.

The scar above your eye
comes with a memory.  

And I was always taking pictures,
every moment-
all the time.
I loved the limelight.

I'm glad for that-
because I have a plethora
of memories to look into.
A recollection of events
that my mind would be-
too numb to remember.

But even so,
I will always remember.

sorry this is ****,
I haven't been able to write since you left.