there is a lot to be said for this numbness and denial the avoidance of pain at all costs this dance to remain steadfast guarded shielded from yourself proud of the effort trying not to watch time wondering how long you can function in this altered state knowing to embrace the pain will eventually mean to let go of it of everything of you forever without the one day least expected the tidal wave crashing unleashing the reality of everything you never wanted to know never wanted to feel and yet wishing for it waiting for it hoping for it to engulf you and end it all